Existential Inquiry

Last Thursday, my professor gave us a reflective exercise. Basically, you have to envision yourself going to your own funeral as a guest. We were to present a eulogy to all the people who visited your wake. At the end of the exercise, we were tasked to write what we saw and what we felt. The exercise was actually geared towards establishing our life’s mission statement in the future. This is what I wrote down:

First of all, I don’t intend nor do I expect to be brooded over by anyone upon my death. In this exercise, I honestly felt almost nothing. It felt like my final act of making people understand how finite life is. In this boundless reality that we speak of, we are not really that special. We all exist in a spur, as a knot on the endless thread of infinity. I am very well aware that my life is no more than important as anyone else’s. Sooner or later, people are forgotten. You probably will even forget your own if you do lose your consciousness upon your death. Wisdom on the other hand, is eternal. It is the crudest soul of all memories. It surpasses time and the capability of every living being to remember existence itself. My goal in my life is to discover as much of these raw truths as I can. I intend to imprint these on paper, on the minds of everyone I meet, and hopefully, on to the very core of mankind’s existence. That done, I’ll be contributing on our continuous quest on understanding ourselves and the reality that we all perceive. People may never know my name. They may even forget that I existed. Nevertheless, I will definitely be relieved if I leave something that will surpass the nature of death and the answer has always been under our eyelids, in the air that we breathe, at the very core of our nature as humans. That said, I believe that I can rest in peace knowing that the whole “reality” of which we speak of was better off having me in it rather than not at all.I didn’t really liked how this professor handled our class since he often contradicts himself. Nevertheless, it was a very interesting activity.

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Pathetic

I can’t help but wonder. Have I really been happy? I’ve always thought that helping others achieve their own happiness will help me find mine. I’ve always been that kind of person who seems to enjoy helping out whoever’s in need, perhaps even to the point of giving up my own. However, I’m pretty aware that I haven’t found mine. Each time I would help out someone, maybe a friend of mine or maybe a stranger, I can’t help but feel envious of them afterwards. I mean, how do they know what makes them really happy? How come they’re so sure that they are indeed happy and that I’ve helped them find theirs? I know it seems greedy of me to ask but I really wish that each time I help someone out, I also experience at least a nib of the happiness they claim to have. Each laugh I try to purge out is always an attempt, and often in vain, to have a share of that bliss. Perhaps I simply cannot afford to be happy, or at least find its full realization in my life because it’ll always be at the expense of others. Nevertheless, I still believe in sharing what I have in pursuing the greater good even if I often lose the fruits I reap.

ON BEING AGNOSTIC

     I respect the diversity of people’s religious systems. I’ve been contemplating a lot on my religious views lately and asking myself the same question I’ve been trying to solve for months. How did I become an agnostic? Is it merely an inclination or a choice? After days of reflecting on this matter, I have come to a better understanding. Being agnostic is a decision I am truly accountable for. I’ve considered countless factors in understanding the sides of the presence and absence of divine intervention. It is impossible to either prove or disprove the existence of an omnipotent being. Given this thing which we call existence and guided both by reason and instinct, I am merely given uncertainty accompanied with an understanding of my diverse, multipolar potentials. I choose to think that I wasn’t promised another life beyond what I currently have, but I do not disregard its possibility. My reason is simple. The now is the only reality I am able to perceive, that I am willing to accept. Seeking life beyond the realm I am in disregards the existence that I believe I already have at the moment. It is more reasonable for me to work within this realm, striving to imprint as many positive footprints in it, so that at the time I depart this existence, it is conclusive that it is more beneficial for it to have my existence than not at all.